Wishes and preferences

Last Saturday, I had my own personal epiphany about wishes and preferences.

When I am at my low, as it was past Saturday morning, then I happen to have an idea that none of my wishes come true.

But this is of course not true at all. Now, that I think of it, many of my wishes I had so far did come true. Especially big ones, like having a family. We did wait (and fret) six years (especially the last several of those) for our first child to be born. Then Niklas was born.

Yes, my wishes do come true. Although not often according to my preferences.

Um, if I am honest, never according to my preferences. This is, I guess, the nature of preferences. They are too multiple to fit them all. Something is always amiss, according to my brain. And probably to yours as well.

Let me illustrate a few of my wishes.

My husband’s and my second biggest dream was to own a house. But when I became pregnant with Niklas we said, “No, not with the first child in my belly and not right after his birth. That would be too much.”

So, a few years after his birth and no other child coming (we thought, “That was it, one time wonder.”) we bought a place for our house to stay on.

And about a month or even less after signing the contract of land purchase, yes, you guessed it correctly, I found out that I was pregnant for the second time.

Technically, our second big wish came exactly as we wished. To buy and build a house but not around our first child’s birth. We didn’t make any exact wishes about the time for our second child to be born.

Next wish. Early last year I kept thinking, “That would be really great to write during daytime and not only in the evenings.”

And there I was, I could write during the daytime. With my work contract about to finish and a fast growing belly, but I had a month or two before my maternity leave on which I could write during the daytime. Again, not as my preferences would be, but still, the wish came true.

During the last year I got more and more curious about being an author entrepreneur. First, I thought, “I’ll be a full time writer and own a writing business when I retire.” Then I changed my mind. “No, I want it to happen earlier, but when my books are doing better and we paid off the mortgage.”

And guess what happened. You probably know if you follow this blog. The life was again full of surprises. Being an author entrepreneur and freelancer seems like the best solution in the current circumstances. In order for us to earn enough for living, I needed to jump into quite cold water. This new and unknown for me waters are somewhat freezing, but I must admit, the work I do now as a writer and freelancer, writing on one side and figuring out what is my next move on another, is fun.

Then this past Saturday I have received another illustration of wishes versus preferences.

As I said above, I was on one of my lows. Physically because of a not so pleasant cold (right after reading what it means for a freelancer to be ill and that you can’t just stay in bed if you have a headache and a badly sore throat). And psychologically, because there is always this financial pressure and as a newly baked freelancer I am simply fretting about the money, especially when such a low comes.

Plus on this morning my son Niklas refused to help me to put on breakfast table. He wanted to watch his favourite films on YouTube.

“Nothing unusual here,” you might say. We all know such reactions, also from our own childhoods.

But somehow, on that morning, I exploded. I got angry and told Niklas so. And the fact that I got angry put me further down still. For me this was a certificate of my failure. Not only my business doesn’t run as I would prefer, and I don’t manage the household as I should (according to my slightly unrealistic standards), my child doesn’t listen to me, and I can’t keep my tempter at bay!

So, when Niklas finally showed up at the kitchen table, I had my face in my hands and I cried. The chair opposite of mine screeched the floor and I looked up. Niklas looked surprised. Then he smiled and gave a little giggle. He seemed not to know what to do in such a situation.

“Oh, mouse,” I sniffed. “You don’t know how it looks when Mama cries.” I wiped my tears away with my fingers. “I simply have a feeling that nothing is working.” I gave out a big sigh.

“Me too!” Niklas smiled and loudly breathed in an out. “I also think that nothing is working.”

My thought generation machine spitted out into my consciousness, “Oh great! I wanted him to say ‘Everything will be OK.’ And what does he do instead?”

But there was something in Niklas that made me listen to him attentively. His smile. Pure, childish and honest.

What he said right after, simply made my day. Without blink of an eye, Niklas kept his gaze into my eyes and said, “I want to be agreeable with you, Mama. Always!”

And that was when I had this epiphany about wishes and preferences. I realized that I always wanted to be supported in my ideas. This is what my son did, right then. He said, that he supports me and agrees with me.

He couldn’t have known that I said something I didn’t mean. I never made it clear to him, which of my ideas I wanted to be supported and which not.

The fact is, my son supported me and wanted to stay supportive. “Always” as he proudly said.

His face and this light bulb realization made me understand that wishes do come true and quite often.

Even if they don’t come true exactly as preferred, and even if there is always something still to wish for.

Well, then there is always room for another wish.

And there is always a way for it to come true.

Isn’t it wonderful to know, that as for anything else, this world is endless, including our ability to wish and realize those wishes?

Picture: Niklas and one of his fulfilled wishes, the day when he was officially named a Ninja in his favourite toy store in Aalborg.