All posts by vica

Taken care of by a small child – Part 2

August 19, 2014A mother's diaryvica

The title of this blog post is incorrect. My son, Niklas insists that he is a big boy. He is almost four, but he says he is three and half years old. And he can take care of others. He does it every day. In his own wonderful way.

Recently, he made one of my wishes come true.

Shortly after Easter we found out that our family of three will become a family of four by the end of the year.

We are awaiting a girl.

Niklas was very disappointed when we found this out, because he wanted a little brother, whose name would be Gilbert, after one of his best friends at the kindergarten.

I started searching in the internet for popular girl names. I read through the list to Michael, my husband, and Niklas. Michael said he liked all names on the list.

After several days, my favorite name became Emma. I realized it when I talked to my niece and a girlfriend of mine about Jane Austen and also about her books from other authors based on Austen’s books. “Emma” by Alexander McCall Smith comes out end of this year. And Emma has been always my favorite from Austen’s characters.

When I considered why, I was surprised. It was not because she was perfect. On the contrary, she had flaws, was a little arrogant and at times a bit ignorant to wishes of others. She thought she knew what was good for others. But I like her because she was willing to learn. And she was kind, sweet and quirky. With time she became even more kind, attentive, humble without losing her sweetness or quirkiness.

As I thought of this, I realized that someday I want to give this book to my daughter. I would like her to know that I don’t expect her to be perfect. I just want her to find her way and be healthy and happy along this way. And to live long. These are the three wishes I have for my children, my husband and all people I hold dear to my heart. That they are healthy, happy and live long. For me, these three include everything else. For example, one of the character features I value the most, the ability and wish to learn and be curious, is on my opinion a component of being happy.

But Niklas had of course another idea. He wanted his sister to be named Gitte Marie. I argued that we need only one name, because so far in our family every one of us has only one given name. Niklas claimed that Gitte Marie was only one word, one name. He pronounced it in one breath. GitteMarie.

Niklas talks a lot about the new baby at the kindergarten and that he will be a big brother soon. The educators put many warm and interested questions to me about the pregnancy and how I feel and how we talk about it in the family.

I told them about GitteMarie and their answer was: “How sweet! But he probably means Ida Marie. This is the girl we have here and this is the only name coming close to what Niklas says.”

On the same day on the way home, I told Niklas about his friend Ida Marie at the kindergarten and her name. I completely forgot to think or to talk about my preferences. I only mentioned that we need to have one name. Not two.

Suddenly, Niklas asked me: “What name do you prefer?”

“Emma”, I said.

“So be it. Let her be Emma.”

This was a big surprise for me. “Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, but we will need to ask your Dad if he agrees.”

The first thing Niklas did when we entered our apartment was running to his Dad and asking, “Papa, do you have anything against my baby sister being called Emma?”

Michael looked surprised and answered with a smile, “Nothing at all.”

Niklas looked triumphantly at me and said, “So it is decided. She will be Emma.”

Since then, I started calling my daughter by her first name when I talk about her or to her. And every time I say “Emma”, Niklas’ face brightens up as if remembering, “Ah yes, this is my baby sister!”

This sweet story will always remain in my memory. Niklas didn’t only make one of my wishes come true but he did also something else: he embraced this idea as his own and was very proud of it. I am very proud of my son and thankful to him that he reminded me how wonderful it is to say yes to what is coming our way, also when we take a little time to say yes.

Picture: Niklas and I and a swing.

What is “it” in “Worth it”?

August 11, 2014Contemplations, Discoveriesvica

Isn’t it amazing how many different fears we have? One of my fears was and sometimes is to do something which is not worth it.

But what exactly should this something be worth? I couldn’t answer this question immediately after it appeared. But one was clear, this “it” was in the future.

Was this the reason, why I couldn’t answer what “it” was? Of course! If I think of the present, then I know what “it” is. Every activity should bring at least an ounce of fun. Any activity should be worth having fun.

And how is this achieved? By being here, of course! And not comparing the current moment or activity to anything else. Either in the past or in the future.

You think, we can’t compare to the future? We sure can. We do it all the time. Because we define our future by our expectations. Whether good or bad.

So, here we go again. Don’t expect and you’ll be surprised.

Pictures: last weekend was definitely worth it. Celebrating birthday of my best friend and niece Mihaela, together with the family and our loved ones. The day was full of surprises. Here are two of them, both related to the Gamle By (Old City) in the middle of Århus. A modern building “photo-bombing” the view of the old city, and me posing with the founder of the same city. Earlier I thought I would be too serious or too old for this kind of “silly” fun. Today I more and more often think that having fun is very clever in itself.

What do I have to do to be bored?

August 4, 2014Contemplations, Discoveriesvica

Yesterday on a train ride from Århus to Aalborg, together with my son, I saw a boy and his younger sister, both in the beginning of their teens. They set at the opposite side of the aisle. Both were pretty rough with each other. Slapped and pushed each other, but laughed at the same time.

Niklas was watching fascinated. I concluded to him and to me, “They are just bored and can’t find an occupation, which can interest them here in the train.”

But were they really bored? It might have been also my interpretation. Niklas revealed my resistance against their behavior by saying, “They just make jokes and fun.”

Although I still disapproved the way the two children treated each other, I had to admit that I was afraid that my son would copy them and be as rough to his sibling coming in December or his friends.

So after recognizing that my reaction was dictated by this fear, I stopped resisting, which I had to do several times because the fear was coming back, and read in a magazine or looked outside of the window and enjoyed the changing view of fields and villages we were passing by.

Something interesting happened a little bit later. The lack of my attention to them, which I paid by glaring at them at the beginning, led to two occurrences. Niklas stopped watching them and started playing with my hand as if it were a robot’s hand. We both enjoy this game. Second, the two children changed seats farther from us and closer to the exit.

Today something else happened which made me think about boredom. I read two e-mails from a new member of the meet-up group I have initialized in Aalborg. The man wrote that he moved to Aalborg in February and claimed the city to be boring so far. He also suspected the fact that only three people were planning to meet coming Friday, promised the meeting to be boring as well.

These e-mails became a puzzle to me, which I was eager to solve in the first minutes after reading the mails. I noticed that I became a bit too involved and thought of defending of what our meet-up is about.

But when I tried to understand what boredom was, I could look at these messages remotely and calmly.

I found the following synonyms to boring: dull, repetitive, or tedious.

It is interesting that the word boring is sometimes understood in an absolute way, but the other three words do sound as labels. And as soon as we hear a person using an obvious label, we know that his or her opinion is very subjective. This led me to another thought: boredom is not objective. It never can be.

So, what do I have to do to be bored? I just have to complain that where I am or what I am doing is not where I want to be or to do.

And this is what this young man joining our meet-up didn’t recognize yet. His resistance and complaint about coming to Aalborg prevents him enjoying life here and discovering wonderful people and beautiful surroundings.

It was interesting for me to discover that boredom goes hand in hand with complaint.

In train I didn’t have this recognition yet. But by doing what I liked I could forget my complaint and leave those seemingly dull and tedious things behind me.

Picture: I will never get tired of books. If I start complaining about one in my head, I know I can always find another which will fascinate me. This big book in Astrid Lindgren’s World in Vimmerby fascinated me as soon as I saw it.

A discovery about descriptions

July 29, 2014Books I read, Contemplations, Discoveriesvica

One of the things I used to dislike in books were long descriptions. Even descriptions by such masters as Leo Tolstoy and Jane Austen made me sometimes become quite impatient and my brain thinking: “When will the story continue?”

I am sure this just shows my impatience at those moments, not the lack of virtue of the pieces I read. But still, these experiences made me afraid writing descriptions as soon as I started writing fiction myself.

And then several months ago I have read “The Signature of All Things” by Elizabeth Gilbert and became completely dumbfounded. This book is full of descriptions! And many of them where pages and pages long. How could this be?

Last week I read an article in Writer’s Digest from January 2014 by Elizabeth Sims. The title of the article is “Miscalculations and Missteps”. And there in Section 6 named “The Great Undescribed”, I found the following:

“Take a risk and go long. The value of a relatively long description is that it draws your readers deeper into the scene. The worry is that you’ll bore them. But if you do a good job you’ll engross them. Really getting into a description is one of the most fun things you can do as an author. Here’s the trick: Get going on a description with the attitude of discovering, not informing. In this zone, you’re not writing to tell readers stuff you already know – rather, you are writing to discover and experience the scene right alongside them.”

This passage revealed the secret of the SOAT (as Elizabeth Gilbert calls her book), which was hidden for me. SOAT is full of descriptions, but each description is full of discoveries: of love, of own body, of lust, of science, of secrets of universe and its origins and many more. The whole book is continuous discovery. And you can hear this wonder in the voice of the narrator, who mirrors the wonder the main character, Alma Whittaker, experiences through her journey.

The book covers the period of time of more than 50 years! This again goes against the advice I learned: “The shorter the period of time your story takes place the better. Backstory can go further back, but the plot itself should unfold in a short period of time. Otherwise, you will bore the reader.” But SOAT proves this advice completely wrong. It starts with Alma’s birth and finishes with her death.

But even at her death, Alma was discovering. As the Amazon review of SOAT says, Alma is “the insatiably curious“. And I became more and more curious with every sentence I read.

I am very grateful to both Elizabeths (Gilbert and Sims) for lifting my fear from descriptions, for showing me that I can love long descriptions and wish for more, and for giving me a great clue of recognizing a really good one.

And all this led me to a thought which applies to everything: One of the clues to having fun, along with being in the moment, is to be in a constant discovery mode, walking through life ‘with an open mouth’ and being in awe of everything around and inside ourselves.

Pictures: During our recent vacation in South Sweden I rediscovered my love and awe with Karlson on the Roof (from a series of stories written by Astrid Lindgren). I forgot over the years how much I loved these stories and the animated films based on these stories and created in Soviet Union. We visited Astrid Lindgren’s World theme park in Vimmerby, Astrid Lindgren’s birth place. Niklas wanted to see Pippi Longstocking and her house. And when we did it, I knew I wanted to see Karlson, or at least his house. And then as Niklas and I were on the roof at Karlson’s door, we saw him singing and dancing in the street in front of the house. We hurried downstairs to see more. It was such fun to see a childhood’s hero live. And it is an absolute pleasure to witness my son discovering his childhood heroes.

To … or not to …?

July 10, 2014Contemplations, Discoveriesvica

“Can you imagine that a few meters away from where you are now, the following words have been written: ‘To be or not to be?’?”

I have heard these question on a sightseeing tour in London close to the Shakespeare’s globe.

A day later, I wondered: “Would Hamlet put this famous question if he would practice transformation or any other technique that helps living in the current moment, living a fulfilled life?” The answer came pretty fast: “He wouldn’t.” He would just know where he was and what he should do without blaming anyone in his misery.

I was smiling when I had these thoughts. The fact that I heard this question, that I have been to Cambridge and London this year is due to the fact that I followed one of my dreams. I wanted to go to Cambridge, I wanted to visit the transformational seminar with Ariel and Shya Kane there, I wanted to take my son and my mother-in-law (to spend time with us and to take care of Niklas, while I would be at the seminar) with me, and I wanted to see again my wonderful friends Ian and Mildred after a long time. All these wishes didn’t come simultaneously, but some of them did and the others appeared as soon as the first became clear.

I did have thoughts like “This is too crazy! This will cost too much money. I will have to organize and take the responsibility for the whole trip all by myself. I can’t possibly do it!” But the wish was there and as soon as I expressed it out loud to my husband, to my family and friends, I got support. “Go for it! How wonderful!” were the answers. And from my wonderful friend and mother-in-law: “I am in!”

Today is the first day after we are back from this breathtaking trip. And I will always remember it as a multidimensional dream that came true, and in which I was the driving force to make it true.

So the answer to the question in the title is very simple and obvious: If you really want it, then you really should do, whatever you are up to.

My next and current dream is to write as much as I can and this post a small realization of it.

Wishing all wonderful moments of making dreams come true, however small, big, seemingly insignificant or momentous they are! If you really want them, then they are important.

Pictures: As soon as I looked at the London’s map, I knew that I wanted to see two things: Big Ben and Baker Street. And these two wishes also became true. And then there was the sweetest baker at the pizzeria on Baker Street, where we had wonderful dinner.